sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize
