Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Randomize
