honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
Randomize
