Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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