dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
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