I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Randomize
