Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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