I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Randomize
