I seem to have left my pride at pride
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
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