oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Randomize
