Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Randomize
