My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Randomize
