Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
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