Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
