Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
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