i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
