Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
