I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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