Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
