also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
