True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
