hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
my penis made a compromise with my morals
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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