It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
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