I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Less talking, more tequila
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
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