I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
Randomize
