Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
covered in glitter, my cheek hurts, and theres a handprint on my face. Would i do it again. Absolutly
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Randomize
