I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
