They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
