I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
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