Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
Randomize
