He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
