Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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