I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
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