I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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