new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Randomize