i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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