I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Randomize
