Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
Randomize
