I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
