I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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