Don't make out with my wife yet
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
