Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
