Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
