Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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