hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
Randomize
