yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
