When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
Randomize
