It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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