it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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