cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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