I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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