you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Randomize
