dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
