Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
