you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
Congratulations! We have a period
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