Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
I need to sanitize my soul.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
