Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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