On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Randomize
