You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Randomize
