I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
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