Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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