I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
