I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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