I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
