I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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