life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Randomize
