Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
We are two peas in an std pod
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
