went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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