weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
