Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize