whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
