There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
