drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Randomize
